Two Years In

We have recently past the two year mark and I feel extremely reflective at the moment. My life and I have changed in so many ways I barely recognise myself these days. My attitude is different and that makes me different but my needs and wants are the same as they always were, nothing has changed except the fact that, now, I have them met.

Security is a wonderful catalyst to change. It opens all kinds of doors. The freedom to explore thoughts and feelings, unhindered by my fears and insecurities, has given me the unique opportunity to re-visit many of my beliefs and pre-conceptions. I've questioned many things about myself, some truths have been quite painful to accept, but the ones which have pleasantly suprised me have made all the agonies worthwhile. I guess through this process I have learned to love the person I am, warts and all. Better than that I know that Tanos loves me, warts and all, and nothing in the world can beat that feeling.

Over the past 6 months I have found myself, increasingly, re-visiting my thoughts and feelings about monogamy. I have always firmly believed that I couldn't possibly be happy in any other relationship than one based firmly in monogamy, yet, my mind ponders happily on the idea of sharing something special with a sister-slave. I guess when I am being brutally honest with myself (and Tanos) part of that comes from missing the closeness and intimacy I have experienced with the few very special friendships I have had in the past. Thinking back I have never been the sort of person to be part of a large group of friends, prefering to be on my own more often than not. The friendships I have had with other women have always been intense, extremely loyal and intimate in a way only girls seems to be. "Living in each others pockets" my mother used to say. But I miss that kind of sharing. Only recently have I felt safe enough to really think hard about how much of my life I'd happily share with the right kind of person.

The right kind of person, what would that mean? Thats another problem altogether. I think it would have to be someone pretty special. She certainly would have to be a special person to fit in with us, I have no doubt about that. She would have to be like I am now, without any of the experience I have had through Tanos, and I think that would be pretty much impossible. I guess she would have to recognise the potential to be happy with a life like mine, without really having tested any of it (poor girl!) Would I have recognised my potential back then? I doubt it, although back then there were few people I had met who could point out the realities of internal enslavement. I went through it with Tanos as my only guide, where, I suppose, she would have the advantage of a dominant guide and an understanding friend. So what would she be like? I have no idea, perhaps it would be better for me to look at what we are like.

Me, well I believe I am a pretty well adjusted, down to earth kind of girl. I'm certainly submissive and yet I am still assertive when I need to be. I have my own opinions (sometimes overly so) yet I do try to look at things objectively and often worry about other people's feelings. I am sensitive, empathetic and I do care about things. I try hard to be honest, am intensely loyal but have a tendency to be very unforgiving if I feel betrayed. I can be stubborn, dogmatic and am not always as diplomatic as I sometimes ought to be. I have learned to accept that sometimes people need space to be alone without it being a reflection of how they feel towards me, because sometimes I need some space to be alone. I can also accept that sometimes, if people are grumpy, its not always because of something I have done, sometimes I have grumpy days too. The things I need to be healthy are structure, security, routine and discipline. I need to love at least as much as I need to feel loved because some of the things which make me feel happy are feeling needed, appreciated and loved. Serving meets these wants and service gives me purpose. I'm hard working and I am not afraid to get my hands dirty (there is no way to keep perfect makeup hair and nails when you are in the middle of renovating a 110 year old house!) I'm a "quiet-reflective" rather than a party girl and I'd rather spend a weekend in Florence than two weeks in the sun. I believe keeping physically healthy is important and try hard to take care of my health. I'm definately a morning person. I'm sure there must be lots more besides, but thats all the reflection I'm capable of right now.

I suppose I should say a little about life with Tanos. I'm sure it will be shamelessly biased, but I think, perhaps,I've earned that right. Life with a dominant man can be truely wonderful. There are so many positive things it's quite hard to pin it down. He touches every part of my life and that is quite a difficult thing to get used to at first. The intensity and the loss of privacy in particular because most people are so used to having private space. It feels quite unnerving to have that taken away yet it is the one thing which is the most freeing. Tanos has a wonderful, disarming manner which simply makes everything feel safe. He does things at his own pace which can be extremely frustrating (particularly for someone who tends to rush into everything.) Yet the way he does things in that calm, unhurried and deliberate way is very comforting. He is extremely intelligent, which can be quite humbling and for me, humility is good. He mixes authority with approachability. He can be stern yet fair. He can be kind, silly, authorititive and deadly serious. He is supportive, encouraging, loving and compassionate and he has that wonderful ability to guide you to your answers. He has no hangups about expressing his emotions (hugs are free in his house.) He is a sadist with imagination and has a wicked sense of humour. He has my undying loyalty and infinate respect.