Freedom fighter

Three years have passed. Is it a long time? Sometimes it feels like no time at all and yet, sometimes i struggle to remember what my life was like before i met Tanos.

i know that i have grown. My self confidence and my intellect have expanded and my understanding of myself and the world is much broader. Is that maturity?
Perhaps i'm getting old - yet i feel so much younger than i did before.

Everything is fluid. Things change and people change, even society changes, albeit far too slowly in so many things. Our relationship changes even as we live it, still it never fails to take me by suprise, sometimes pleasantly and sometimes not so pleasantly.

We seem to reach plateaus and life runs along in peace and harmony, then something happens or something changes that knocks us off keel for a while. We work hard to resolve issues because its always easier in the long term to resolve things as we go along. Its one of the best things about a D/s relationship that works - problems are addressed, trauma or confusions are dealt with and we move on into the pleasant periods that encompass the majority of our lives. We do not store them away for use at our own convenience - weapons are forbidden in this house - especially the psychological weapons that often cause more long term damage than any physical assault.

Not that i am a particularly violent person, at least not in the physical sense. It pains me to admit, however, that i do have a tendency to fight when i feel cornered and sometimes the inescapability of being stripped (psychologically) naked at the will of another can make me feel trapped with no escape. i come out fighting if its something i find hard to deal with and, in the past, i've kept the weapons of the past for use on such an occasion. i'd throw everything i had at Tanos. Guilt, resentfulness, misunderstanding, weaknesses, vulnerabilities...everything i had stored away - everything that we hadn't yet dealt with.
His defence was never what i expected. He never got angry, he would never join in the fighting. He never produced weapons of his own (and i'm sure he must have had them) and he would never use my own weapons against me. Instead he would calmly collect them. Hold them from me and then, one by one deal with them.

Our lives sound like one big battleground and in truth we have fought many battles - though not the type most people imagine. We do not argue or physically fight. Our battles are battles for the mind and ironically we fight on the same side (although it doesn't always feel that way). We fight for the acceptance of our own truths, we fight against our socialisation and we fight to free ourselves from misunderstanding.

Today my armoury is somewhat depleted, but it is not spent. Sadly the weapons that remain are my most powerful ones. The ones based on the things i have come to learn over the past 3 years. i fear to use them. i'm scared that if i do they will be powerful enough to make me powerful, to set me free.
i don't want power, i don't want freedom. i want to know, beyond doubt, that i have neither power nor freedom with Tanos.
Like so many submissives i come out fighting, not to free myself, but for the reasurrance of knowing, beyond all doubt, that i am far from free.

lili