Establishing Power, Control and Authority

The time spent first establishing the dynamics of a relationship can be one of the most difficult to negotiate. The time we spend prior to collaring.

During this time it is essential that the foundations for authority, rights and control in the relationship, are laid down. However, this is made difficult because the rights and authority of the Dominant have not yet been established.The Dominant has not gained enough information about the submissives inner mind to accurately judge her needs nor influence her acceptance, nor does the submissive trust the Dominant enough to open her inner mind for his scrutiny.

It can be an awkward, stressful and extremely exciting time. Weeks or even months can have been spent getting to know one another through various media (usually written and verbal). The first face to face meeting can be the most crucial in establishing the foundations for the relationship both intend to pursue.

Here's how we did it, the first time we met:

After a week of talking through e-mail, ICQ and telephone conversations Tanos suggested that we should meet. He acknowledged that, although we seemed extremely compatable with regards to our views opinions and needs, the medium we were using for communicating was, or could be, extremely deceptive. Meeting face to face would be the next step.

He maintained that this was not a demand, merely a request, and that it would only happen when I felt ready to let it happen. (He had established this no pressure rule when he first suggested that we talk on the telephone). He suggested this in an e-mail, so that I had time to think carefully about his request. I agreed that we should meet and a date was set for the following Sunday.

Tanos, at this time was living an hours drive away from me. We decided that it would be easier and more practical if we were to meet in a public place, of my choosing, in my home town. He was happy to stay public and there would be no pressure for me to do anything else but meet and talk. I chose a venue close enough for me to walk home. One which was well sign posted from the motorway and one which I knew would be quite busy at the time we were meant to meet.

As things go, it turned out to be a weird day. When I arrived at the said venue I discovered, to my horror, that the place was hosting a wedding fayre. The safe venue I thought it would be, one in which I could blend inconspicuously into the background, made me stand out like a sore thumb. Worse still, Tanos didn't find it as easily as I thought he would. Consequently I was left standing (like the proverbial bride at the alter) for almost an hour.

I had just reached the carpark gates when he pulled up in his car. He was, of course, everything (and some) I had hoped he would be.

We drove into town and walked to a nearby public house. I knew one which was pleasant, would be quiet enough to talk in privacy but not so quiet that I would feel threatened at all. As we approached the bar Tanos handed me some money and instructed me what drink he would like and to buy whatever drink I would like for myself. Whilst I was buying the drinks (and trying to collect my thoughts) he found us a table which was quiet enough but not too secluded. By the time I returned with our drinks he was comfortably settled (with his back to the wall) so I returned to a space he had established as his own. We spent quite a few hours talking about how we felt, what we wanted and expected from a relationship and what we both felt we needed. There was humour as well as sincerity.

Many things were established prior to and on that first meeting. Tanos established and maintained control of what he wanted to happen next but built trust by allowing me the time to adjust to his requests and go at my own pace. By giving me instructions (eg the drinks at the bar) he established some authority in an area that was not threatening or unacceptable to me (even though he did not know me well enough to know how I would react to him exerting some authority or control). He could observe how I reacted to instruction. He gave me time to examine my reactions and gave himself the opportunity to control the environment (he chose the place we were going to sit and established himself in it whilst I was at the bar).

There were many other things he did which gained my trust and increased my feeling of security whilst encouraging and maintaining a sense of authority and control over the whole date.

I believe it is essential that some degree of authority and control is established from the very beginning of a relationship. How this is done in a non-confrontational and non-threatening way is the hard part.

Consistancy and self control is essential when establishing the process of enslavement. It is a method Tanos has used throughout the process of enslaving me. Prior to collaring he always described and controlled what would be the next step (in some areas he still does). What he expected from me and what rights he expected to gain. We always took the next step when I felt ready to do that. There was never any pressure and there was never any limits on time.

Up until collaring he did establish rights over certain aspects of my life. Often it would begin with me simply having to inform him of various activities. The next step would then be for me to ask his permission to perform those activities. He established rights which were enforced when I was in his presence, such as his right to have me dressed or undressed. In the beginning these were requests but in time I accepted his authority to demand compliance (and if necassary punish non-compliance).

My decision to accpet his collar was the last free decision I was allowed to make. This does not mean I have no opinions or views, nor does it mean he does not allow me to express them. It simply means that he has rights over my person, he has the authority to make decisions about and on my behalf and he has the power to enforce those rights and decisions.

lili (November 2002)